Source: Natalie Brunell
Compiled by: Felix, PANews
Renowned divorce lawyer James Sexton, with 26 years of experience and thousands of cases to clients ranging from billionaires to celebrities, stated in a recent podcast that money is not the root cause of marital breakdown, but rather emotional estrangement. The following is a summary of the podcast content.
Host: Is money a significant issue in marriage for couples?
James: Yes. I think it's not just about money, but what money symbolizes for people. For many, it symbolizes security and stability. If you grew up in a poor environment, money symbolizes everything you crave, like security and a sense of being valued. Obviously, we all need money to meet our needs, to feel safe, to do what we want, and to give our children what they need. But behind all that, in an out-of-control world, money symbolizes our control over our daily lives.
Host: Based on your clientele, does having more money make couples happier?
James: No. But statistics do show that economic hardship and poverty are extremely detrimental to marriage. If society wants to reduce divorce rates and increase marital satisfaction, it should ensure people have better economic security. One of the biggest indicators of divorce is the lack of a college degree (which is the reality for most Americans), and people with lower socioeconomic status have higher divorce rates. But wealth also reaches a point of diminishing returns. When you are financially stable enough, divorce becomes easy, allowing you to easily exit an unhappy relationship. Most people, even if they are well-off, cannot afford a second house or a second luxury car in the Hamptons, but the super-rich can easily say, "I'll move out, and I'll be fine even if I take half the assets." If you have $500 million, you'll still be fine even if you take $250 million. Excessive wealth makes money lose its meaning, and people are no longer motivated to solve marital problems in order to maintain their standard of living.
Host: So, what percentage of marriages do you think end because of financial problems?
James: These kinds of questions are always hard to answer, like how many divorces are caused by infidelity or financial pressure? But in my opinion, these are just symptoms of an underlying problem. The real problem is "disconnection." There are 7 billion people in the world, and you meet this person, and you say, "This is the person I love most, and I want to hold hands and face the unknown together." This is the most beautiful emotion in the world. But most people lose their way. About 53% of marriages end in divorce, another 5-10% separate but don't divorce, and another 10-20% regret getting married. All in all, about 70% of cases don't reach a satisfactory stage. Sometimes the straw that breaks the camel's back in a marriage is money, sometimes infidelity, but the root cause is disconnection, because happy people don't cheat. Deeply emotional partners are transparent about money; whether it's a good investment or a bad decision, they can communicate honestly, and each other feels proud, not blamed. It's like in the early stages of a relationship, you find even the way your partner laughs adorable, but after 5 years, it becomes tiresome, and the initial tolerance disappears. Most people work 5 days a week or even 50 weeks a year in order to have 2 or 2 weeks of rest. It’s a strange game and system.
Host: How do successful couples manage their money? Who manages the accounts? Do they consolidate their finances?
James: There's no one-size-fits-all model for relationships. The litmus test should be: what did you do when your relationship was initially great? If he was the one paying the bills at first, and that's changed now, then it's worth asking why. If someone enjoys making money but hates managing it, then handing it over to their partner is fine. It's like cooking; if I enjoy cooking and you don't, it's unfair to insist on sharing the task equally. But even if you don't like managing money, you need to understand the basics so that you know where the money is in case something happens to me. The most crucial elements are honest dialogue and a sense of security. I've represented victims of domestic violence and control freaks, and I know that without security (physical, emotional, and financial), you can't feel loved. Even if you don't understand cryptocurrency, at least learn the basics. Even if you're not interested in your partner's hobbies (like the World Cup or Game of Thrones), your excitement will excite me, and listening to each other doesn't hurt anyone.
Host: Should all accounts and debts be laid out on the table and made completely public when getting married?
James: Every marriage has a prenuptial agreement, either government-written (which can be changed at any time) or one you create yourself. I don't believe the government can set the best rules for the financial aspects of marriage. I like prenuptial agreements because they are binding and make it clear what rules you're playing. In my book, I mention a "yours, mine, and ours" financial system. Marriage is like a Venn diagram, with "you," "me," and an overlapping "us." If you and I completely disappear into "us," it kills the love between us, so some individuality is necessary. The same applies to finances. If everything is completely transparent—you know the price of every birthday gift I buy—there's no surprise. A little privacy and mystery between partners is essential. What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours, joint splits—that's a very clean prenuptial agreement. If you can't even have this kind of tough financial conversation, don't get married.
Host: If there's no prenuptial agreement, can we sign a postnuptial agreement? Do most people sign prenuptial agreements?
James: Prenuptial agreements are possible, but they're harder to negotiate because they require mutual agreement after marriage. Regarding prenuptial agreements, there's no public record of them, so they're actually much more common than you might think. I've drafted prenuptial agreements for celebrities, but they say on TV, "We're in love, we didn't sign one," while the actual agreement is locked in my safe. With the younger generation today, where women have more assets and higher education, signing prenuptial agreements has become very normal and pragmatic.
Host: Can you tell us a story about a couple you've met who were involved in cryptocurrency investments?
James: I've been a divorce lawyer for 26 years. Back when everyone was using tape recorders, I heard people mention Bitcoin. I attended a computer summer camp in 1984, and I'm very interested in technology, so I started trying to understand what cryptocurrency and blockchain were early on, and to make it as understandable as possible for others. Later, when other cryptocurrencies emerged, whether it was Ethereum or other early cryptocurrencies, I think many lawyers at that time had no idea what they were talking about.
Cryptocurrencies gradually emerged as an asset, allowing people to transfer assets anonymously. Following the 9/11 attacks in 2001, the Patriot Act was passed. One of the biggest impacts of this act was changing the way financial regulation and banking operate, making fund transfers extremely difficult and impossible to complete without leaving a trace.
In its early days, cryptocurrency was like the Wild West—virtually impossible to trace because it was a decentralized currency. People wouldn't use platforms like Coinbase or anything else that was easily identifiable or subpoenaed. So, I wanted to learn about cryptocurrency early on, partly to track assets that might need to be divided in a divorce and to prevent anyone from trying to hide assets, and partly to be able to explain to my clients what options they might have in divorce planning.
Despite the rise of cryptocurrencies and the surge in Bitcoin's price, which has continued to climb, the legal profession—specifically, all lawyers specializing in matrimonial law—recognizes that many people still know very little about cryptocurrencies. For example, in New York, a document called a "net worth affidavit" is required for divorce proceedings. This document lists all of a person's assets and liabilities. The 2026 version is the first to include cryptocurrency in this document.
Host: Really?
James: Yes. The New York State Uniform Court System didn't decide until 2026 that we should include cryptocurrency in this document. Before that, it was listed in the "Other" category.
Host: So, crypto assets must be reported to the government for partitioning? How exactly does this work?
James: Yes, a full financial disclosure is necessary to determine how to divide or relinquish assets. A few weeks ago, I had a client who was a Bitcoin enthusiast who preferred to give other assets to his wife rather than lose his Bitcoin. As it turned out, at the start of the divorce, Bitcoin was worth over $100,000, then dropped to around $60,000, giving him a significant advantage in the property division.
Of course, many people lie, swearing they have nothing. In one case, the opposing party claimed to have lost their hard wallet password, rendering it useless. Halfway through the litigation, I suddenly understood. I said, "You have a way," and indeed they did have the ability to recover the password. The opposing party didn't insist on that. We went along with it and got her to make concessions on other terms. Often, because spouses and their lawyers don't understand Bitcoin, those who know it gain a huge advantage. As a lawyer, you must constantly learn new things and understand how it works.
Host: Were most of the divorces you experienced hostile?
James: I'm like a weapon. People don't hire me for simple divorces. I specialize in highly adversarial and complex financial cases. Sometimes, people use marriage to legally avoid taxes (such as setting up intergenerational trusts or intentionally flawed settlor trusts), and these wealth transfer maneuvers can turn property division into an absolute disaster in divorce. Clients with net worths of hundreds of millions exploit these loopholes and pay less tax than a cleaner.
Host: Do you think this is fair?
James: That's the rule of the game. If there's a gray area, the fault lies with the rule-makers, not the players who exploit it. I personally don't cheat and pay my taxes on time. The world is indeed very unfair; on one hand, hundreds of thousands of children are starving, while on the other hand, my clients are worth billions, or celebrities are flying around in private jets talking about environmentalism. But as long as it's within the legal boundaries, that's the current system.
Host: Have you ever seen couples who were in a really bad situation but eventually made up?
James : Yes, I have. Sometimes you only realize how important something is to you when you're close to losing it. It's like a toothache; you don't appreciate it when it doesn't hurt, but you only know the pain when it does. When your partner is away on a business trip, you can truly feel the silence and pain of their absence.
Host: Faced with a terrifying divorce rate, how can struggling couples repair their relationship?
James: We fall in love quickly, but leaving it is like bankruptcy—extremely slow, and then suddenly we plummet off a cliff. We don't need grand gestures; saving a relationship relies on "small acts of reconnection." Couples often fall into a negative spiral: "Because he didn't do it, I won't do it either." But you can reverse this spiral. For example, leave a note in the morning saying, "I had a great time watching a show last night, and I married the most beautiful girl in the world." It costs nothing, but it's incredibly meaningful. Text your wife saying a song reminded you of her; tell your husband he's the most handsome and sexiest man you've ever met. It only takes two seconds. We all crave connection, and that requires a little vulnerability and kindness. Constructive criticism is important, but constantly affirming and building up your partner brings positive change. I used to grow a beard; one ex complained that it was prickly and made shaving feel like a burden; another complimented me, saying I looked like the male lead in Mad Men when I shaved, and was incredibly sexy—I wanted to shave three times a day. The way you express yourself is crucial; emphasizing the positive is far more effective than direct criticism.
Host: I completely agree. The way we treat others often reflects our inner struggles, and those who are hurt will hurt others.
James: Yes, radiating warmth and kindness to others makes you feel better. Love is a verb. Couples can easily take a ten-minute walk each week and ask each other, "Tell me three things I did this week that made you feel loved? Three things that attracted you? Three things I could have done better?" The things that make us feel loved in life are often the little things, like a hand on your shoulder when you're feeling down, or a delicious meal. If you ask a man to open a jar of kimchi and compliment him, he'll be incredibly proud, no matter how old he is. Everyone wants to be complimented on being charming or intelligent. It's all free; algorithms don't promote these methods, but it's the easiest thing in the world to do that could put a divorce lawyer like me out of a job.
Related reading: How to securely inherit cryptocurrency assets?
