At first, I didn't touch contracts, but bought many Altcoins, while my cousin mainly traded BTC. The entry threshold was too high, and BTC's price was extremely expensive, so I could only play around.
After trading for over a month and earning a few thousand, I should have stopped, but I didn't. After losing money, I researched contracts, wanting to recover my losses quickly, and unexpectedly fell deep into it. At that time, my cousin advised me not to mess around, to invest a little money and follow her in buying BTC, repeatedly warning me not to touch contracts or Altcoins, but I didn't listen.
During that period, I watched the market daily, studying contract strategies. I don't remember what coin I bought, but its price kept dropping. I felt the opportunity had come and I would definitely get rich. I invested 10,000 USD, opened a 5x leverage short, and after opening the position, I thought I would profit, but unexpectedly, it quickly rebounded and I was liquidated, losing all 10,000 USD in my account.
At that time, my savings were only 290,000, and losing over 70,000 in cash was heartbreaking. I didn't dare tell my husband and was unwilling to accept such losses, so I continued to gamble. Another reason was seeing my cousin cash out, which made me even more frustrated. She made money, I lost money, and I thought if she had generously shared a bit of her profits, I might have stopped gambling.
Later, I became bolder, investing another 30,000 USD, starting cautiously. In over a week, I recovered some money, earning a bit by investing a few hundred dollars. However, it seemed the market always worked against me. When I went short, it rose; when I went long, it dropped, as if the market was deliberately targeting me. Sometimes I even suspected that the market makers were specifically targeting my savings to "harvest" me.
As I continued losing more, I would increase leverage, always hoping to quickly recover my losses. One afternoon in August 2020, I received another liquidation notification, completely losing my savings. Sitting on the sofa, my hands trembled while holding my phone, wanting to cry but not daring to because my husband was home - the feeling was unbearable.
I didn't confess and stopped trading contracts. I heard another relative had earned tens of thousands from funds, which seemed stable and less risky. So I borrowed 150,000 to invest. After buying funds, I saw daily losses of hundreds to thousands, completely different from my expectations. I couldn't bear it anymore and had no patience, redeemed all funds, and returned to trading contracts. It's a feeling those who haven't experienced it won't understand - like stock traders who learn contract trading and never want to return to stocks because it's too slow.
By May 2021, I had unknowingly borrowed from over ten online lending platforms. My Merchants Bank app had a loan limit of 64,000, and my total debt was 320,000. I couldn't persist anymore and could only hope my husband would help. Having a child, I thought he would only scold me, not divorce me, and as expected, he forgave me.
I owed 320,000, and he borrowed everywhere. His parents gave 120,000, and we somehow cobbled together the rest. He actually has a good income, a government job with an annual comprehensive salary of 150,000. He told me as long as I stop, things will definitely improve. My husband occasionally drinks but doesn't smoke or gamble. Sometimes when we shop, I might buy a scratch card for fun, and I sometimes wonder why I, as a woman, have such a strong gambling tendency.
I'm a housewife who doesn't need to work and should be living more comfortably than many. But I couldn't enjoy it long, as my inner restlessness grew because having no money made me feel insecure. I once had savings of hundreds of thousands, earning a few dollars daily in Yuebao, and I couldn't accept this difference. Despite this, I still insisted on quitting gambling.
In 2022, my mother-in-law, idle at home, suggested helping me with the child and finding a job. I hadn't worked since marriage, and she might have said it casually, but I felt particularly uncomfortable, feeling she looked down on me, thinking I was freeloading. It was this provocation that made me want to try gambling again because having no money would make me feel looked down upon.
Initially, I was cautious, investing only hundreds of dollars, selling immediately after earning a bit. Gradually, I became bolder, only accepting wins, unable to accept losses. Losing a little would drive me to increase leverage frantically. Winning would make me feel more comfortable. Reading many submissions here, although this is contract trading, it's essentially gambling, and perhaps even more intense.
I recovered some money, earning 10,000 USD when going short, and then wanted to recover all my savings. But winning is always temporary. Winning for ten days can't make up for an afternoon's loss. With leverage, it's either recovering or breaking even, and I always get liquidated when placing large bets. I felt deeply powerless but had no choice but to continue. This hellish life continued until August 2023, where I was constantly borrowing to repay loans, borrowing from online platforms to repay friends, then immediately borrowing again. I deeply regretted not enjoying my good life and touching contracts, but regret is useless - the debt still needs repaying! By December 2023, I could no longer borrow. My debt from relatives, friends, and online platforms reached 580,000. Loan interest consumed much of my money, and the principal was given to the market makers. I had already bought charcoal on Pinduoduo, wanting to leave with my child, but never had the courage.
This time I confessed, my husband sat in the living room and drank a glass of white wine in one gulp. I had never seen him drink so quickly and so much. After drinking, he told me to get a divorce, feeling that I was beyond redemption. I was not treating money seriously, and if we continued like this, we would lose our house. I agreed, acknowledging that all problems stemmed from me, and I did not expect him to help me repay my debts. After saying this, we slept in separate rooms. After putting the children to bed, I secretly walked into his room, wanting to apologize to him in my own way.
The next day, he went to work and did not mention divorce. After a few days, he said he would give me one last chance, warning that if I did not cherish it, he would divorce me without hesitation. Since the house was bought by his mother after marriage, he wanted to sell it to repay the debt and then use his provident fund to buy another, so the house was put up for sale.
In April 2024, the house was sold for 850,000, my debt was cleared, and the remaining money he did not give me but kept in his own card, which was not linked to Alipay or WeChat and had no online banking. I knew his real intention was to guard against me, afraid I would steal the money while he slept. If he did not guard against me, I would feel we trusted each other, but his vigilance made me overthink. Normally, I had to report everything I wanted to buy, like if I wanted to buy hand cream, I had to tell him the price and send a screenshot before he would transfer the corresponding amount. This life, though self-inflicted, was truly uncomfortable.
As a housewife, I did not expect to have all the savings like before, but at least give me a few hundred dollars. Not a single penny, and I had to ask him for money for groceries, cooking, or takeout, which felt like he was giving me charity. I could not bear this life and did not want it. I felt he was not giving me face, so I needed to earn my own face and downloaded the exchange software again.
The result was the same, continuously losing. From then until the end of last December, my debt peaked at 610,000, and I had also borrowed 160,000 from my parents under other pretexts, actually losing at least 700,000. Unable to confess, I could only return to my hometown with my child and tell my parents, but they were also unable to help me.
I was mostly speaking out of anger, unable to control myself. I thought about apologizing later, but he no longer forgave me, so we got divorced, and he ultimately left me.
From this year until now, I still have not gone to work, and my debts are overdue. I have locked myself in my room, afraid to go out and be discovered by relatives and friends. My parents sigh about me, the cost of raising a child is too high, but they have no choice. Recently, I have thought a lot. Divorce and debt are now facts, and I can only accept and face them. Last night, I discussed with my parents and decided to go out and earn money. If I have the ability, I will repay my ex-husband's debts, and if not, so be it. If I encounter love again, I will certainly cherish it.
I also regret listening to my cousin's advice and calmly trading cryptocurrencies. Even if I lost, I would not have lost much, especially since BTC, which I was afraid to buy initially, has now risen to a shocking price. I missed it and dare not fantasize anymore. For the rest of my life, I only hope to work steadily and live a peaceful life.
