As a woman born in 1991, during my pregnancy in 2020, I frequently saw my cousin's posts about trading crypto in her social circle. Initially, I thought it was an advertisement, but during a conversation, she mentioned earning over 600,000 yuan from trading, which made me extremely envious, and I subsequently opened an account.
At first, I didn't touch futures contracts, but bought many Altcoins, while my cousin mainly traded BTC. The entry threshold was too high, and BTC's price was extremely expensive, so I could only play around randomly.
After trading for over a month and earning a few thousand, I should have stopped, but I didn't. After losing money, I researched futures contracts, wanting to quickly recover my losses, and unexpectedly fell deep into it. At that time, my cousin advised me not to play recklessly, to invest a little money and follow her in buying BTC, repeatedly warning me not to touch futures contracts or Altcoins, but I didn't listen.
During that period, I watched the market daily, studying futures contract strategies. I didn't know which coin I bought, but its price kept dropping. I felt an opportunity had come and I would definitely get rich. I invested 10,000 USD, opened a 5x leverage short, and after opening the position, I thought I would profit, but unexpectedly, it quickly rebounded and I was liquidated, losing all 10,000 USD in my account.
At that time, my savings were only 290,000, and losing over 70,000 in cash was heartbreaking. I didn't dare tell my husband and was unwilling to accept such losses, so I continued gambling. Another reason was seeing my cousin cashing out, which made me even more frustrated. She made money, I lost money, and I thought if she had generously shared a bit of her profits, I might have stopped gambling.
Later, I became bolder, investing another 30,000 USD, starting cautiously. In over a week, I recovered some money, earning a little by investing a few hundred dollars. However, it seemed the market always worked against me. When I went short, it rose; when I went long, it dropped, as if the market was specifically targeting my funds. Sometimes I even suspected the market makers were focusing on my small savings to "harvest" me.
I continued losing more, getting more aggressive and using leverage, always hoping to quickly recover. One afternoon in August 2020, I received another liquidation notice, completely losing my savings. Sitting on the sofa, my hands trembled while holding my phone, wanting to cry but not daring to because my husband was home. The feeling was unbearable.
I didn't confess and stopped trading futures contracts. Hearing another relative had earned tens of thousands from funds, I thought funds were stable and wouldn't cause significant losses. I borrowed 150,000 to invest. After buying funds, daily losses were hundreds to thousands, completely different from my expectations. I couldn't bear it anymore and redeemed all funds, returning to futures contracts. That feeling is incomprehensible to those who haven't experienced it, like stock traders who learn futures contracts and never want to return to stocks because it's too slow and requires too much patience.
By May 2021, I had unknowingly borrowed from over ten online lending platforms. My Merchants Bank app alone had a loan limit of 64,000, and my total debt was 320,000. I couldn't persist anymore and could only hope my husband would help. Having a child, I thought he would only scold me and wouldn't divorce me. As expected, he forgave me.
I owed 320,000, and he borrowed money everywhere. His parents gave 120,000, and they somehow cobbled together the rest. He works in the public sector, earning around 150,000 annually. He told me as long as I stopped, things would improve. My husband rarely drinks, doesn't smoke or gamble, and occasionally we'd buy scratch cards for fun. Sometimes I wondered why I, as a woman, had such a strong gambling tendency.
As a housewife, I didn't need to work and lived more comfortably than many. But my good life didn't last long. My inner restlessness returned because not having money made me feel insecure. I had previously had savings of hundreds of thousands, earning a few yuan daily in Alipay's money market fund. This contrast was hard to accept, but I still tried to quit gambling.
In 2022, my mother-in-law, idle at home, suggested helping with childcare and wanted me to find a job. I hadn't worked since marriage, and her casual remark made me uncomfortable, feeling she looked down on me. Feeling provoked, I thought of gambling again because not having money would make me seem worthless.
Initially, I was cautious, investing only hundreds of dollars and selling immediately upon earning. Gradually, I became bolder, only accepting wins and going crazy with leverage when losing. I realized these futures contracts were essentially gambling, perhaps even more intense.
I recovered some money, earning 10,000 USD by going short, and wanted to recover all my savings. But winning was temporary. Winning for ten days couldn't offset an afternoon's losses. With leverage, I'd either recover or break even, always getting liquidated during big trades. I felt powerless but had no other choice. This continued until August 2023, constantly borrowing to repay loans, borrowing from friends to repay online loans, immediately reborrowing. I deeply regretted not enjoying my good life and touching futures contracts, but regret was useless when debts remained. By December 2023, I could no longer borrow. My total debt was 580,000, with loan interest consuming much of my principal. I had even bought charcoal on Pinduoduo, contemplating suicide with my child, but lacked the courage.
When I finally confessed, my husband drank a glass of baijiu faster and more than ever. After drinking, he said we should divorce, feeling I was beyond redemption, not valuing money, and risking losing our house. I agreed, acknowledging all problems stemmed from me and not expecting him to repay my debts. After talking, we slept separately. After putting our child to bed, I secretly entered his room, wanting to apologize in my own way.
The next day, he went to work without mentioning divorce. Days later, he gave me a final chance, warning of immediate divorce if I didn't cherish it. Since the house was bought by his mother after marriage, he planned to sell it to repay debts and use his housing fund to buy another. The house was subsequently listed for sale.
In April 2024, the house sold for 850,000, clearing my debts. He kept the remaining money in his card, which wasn't linked to Alipay or WeChat and had no online banking. I understood he was protecting himself, afraid I might steal the money while he slept. His vigilance made me overthink. For any purchase, I must report and send screenshots before he transfers money. This life, though self-inflicted, is truly uncomfortable.
As a housewife, I don't require all the savings like before, but at least give me a few hundred yuan. Not a single penny, I have to ask him for money to buy groceries, cook, or order takeout, which feels like he's giving me alms. I can't stand this life and don't want it this way. I feel he's not giving me face, so I need to earn my own face, and therefore downloaded the exchange software again.
The result was the same, constantly losing. From then until the end of last December, my debt peaked at 610,000, and during this period, I also borrowed 160,000 from my parents under other pretexts, which were all lost. I actually lost at least 700,000 and was powerless to admit it. I could only return to my hometown with my child and confess to my parents, but they were also unable to help me.
I was mostly speaking out of anger, unable to control myself. I thought about apologizing afterward, but he no longer forgave me, so we got divorced, and he ultimately left me.
From this year until now, I still haven't gone out to work, and my debts are overdue. I've locked myself in my room, afraid to go out on the street in case relatives or friends see me. My parents sigh constantly, the cost of raising a child is too high, but they have no choice but to raise me. Recently, I've thought a lot, and since divorce and debt are now facts, I can only accept and face them. Last night, I discussed with my parents and decided to go out and earn money. If I have the ability, I want to repay my ex-husband's debts, and if not, so be it. If I encounter love again, I will definitely cherish it.
I also regret listening to my cousin's advice and calmly trading Altcoins. Even if I had lost, it wouldn't have been much, especially considering BTC, which I was too afraid to buy before and now has risen to a scary price. I missed it and dare not fantasize anymore. For the rest of my life, I only hope to work steadily and live a peaceful life.
