This is not investment advice but a work of fiction. It is an attempt to illustrate a failure of imagination. Things can get crazier and more volatile in the world that follows Elon’s razor, which says that the most entertaining outcome is the most probable.
I can barely see when the alarm clock wakes me up at 3 am in the morning. Godamnit. Why did they have to do the airdrop at such an inconvenient time for poor Europeans like myself? My vision is still blurry when I stand up as there is no time to waste. The city outside is still asleep. I open the window to let the stink out and limp into the kitchen to make myself a cup of instant coffee.
As I hobble in I’m scrolling through X. Ok, Elon just tweeted “30 mins to take-off”. Sorry, he did not tweet, he x-ed. He banned the word tweet and Twitter. If you type that shit it won’t let you post, if you do it again, your x-ing ability is suspended for 1 minute, if you do it again it’s 5 minutes, and so on.
I guess if you have the “X Premium + Pro Enterprise God” tier, which is like 100k DOGE you can tweet, shit I mean, you can X any word without being blocked or paying extra. You can actually pay per word. Some words get really expensive at some times. I tried to x “Trump” one day and would have to pay like 50k DOGE to post. Posting on trending topics is getting really expensive.
Slurping my coffee. Mmmmm so good. Gonna wake me up. Let me go back to the room to sit at my desktop…all the tabs on my screens are ready for the X.COM coin airdrop. This is the biggest event ever for a degen trader like myself. Maybe for the whole of humanity, huh? A year ago, who could have imagined?
Shit man, it was a crazy year. I have to chuckle when thinking back to how Elon took DOGE private at $1 and made it a stablecoin. Who would have thought just a couple of months ago that DOGE goes 10x the market capitalization of other stablecoins?
What a chad move. And then, the mfer made everyone transact in DOGE. Next week the congress is doing a hearing on Why FED’s new CBDC should be DOGE.It’s truly happening. The DOGEization of the dollar.
You would think this is where Elon stops but no. After this move he lists part of the X stock back to NYSE, which pumps to $1000. In a couple of weeks, he announces the X.COM airdrop transferring all the value to a token that he’ll launch.
The mfer posted it on X but did not clarify and X Inc stock plummeted to 11 cents in 20 minutes. Then he posted a clarification on the X stock buyback and airdrop allocation - the chart went crazy.
That was the fastest $900 to almost zero, back to 10k in a matter of days. Insanity. I thought I knew what volatility was. LOL. Fucking Elon. He always surprises.
When he announced the airdrop would only go to the “Premium + Pro” and above tiers everyone started to buy higher tiers. Luckily I had it before. More airdrop allo for me, poor degen. Let me look at the distribution chart again. Ah ok, here it is:
50% X users
20% X.COM stock holders
19% Elon
8% DOGE holders post-2023
2% DOGE holders pre-2023
1% AOC
The whole AOC saga is wild. As she got into another spat with Elon he replied that he would give her 1% of X.COM coin supply if she quits the office within 24 hours and never went into politics again. After 6 hours she resigned, citing her inability to make a real difference as a politician as a reason for resignation. She is now an evangelist for DOGE as a means of decentralizing equality.
The noise in the streets enters my room as I’m slurping the hot coffee going over the charts. Someone is yelling outside my building. I get up to look out from the window. Oh, of course - it’s just an NPC2PC streamer. I can tell by the telescopic holder attached to his back. This NPC streaming X feature is getting really annoying. I hope they will introduce a regulation soon.
When Elon announced an NPC2PC mode six months ago it became the most popular feature ever adopted by people on social media. He posted on X:
“I always wanted to play GTA in real life.”
In a week he announced a new mode on X. It took him and his Boring Company a week to start shipping telescopic phone handles that attach to people's backs giving people the ability to recreate the 3rd person camera view.
Anyone on X could now sell their time as a playable character on whose control people are bidding live, giving them commands through headphones. It seems like every 10th person on the street is an X playable character. Famous influencers are now becoming the X playable characters as they can make so much money. And just last week the X NPC2PC mode will introduce a NSFW version in partnership with PornHub.
Bullish news, hopefully, will pump the X.COM coin even more. Oh wait, Elon just x-ed:
“20 minutes to takeoff!”
Sweet. Just out of boredom I check my X shares. Oh yes - it’s a rad feature. When Elon learned about this crypto-fad called Friendtech he decided to implement a similar feature into X - allowing people to tokenize their future X revenue. Everyone can buy my tokenized shares. I actually use it as collateral to go long X.COM coin futures.
My X share price is down today - 7% down from ATH. Maybe I can pump my share a little bit? Let me buy some…Goddamnit. What is that noise again?
I walk up to the window and I see the street lighting illuminating two X NPC2PCs screaming as they fight. It looks grotesque as they have to wait for the commands. This is getting on my nerves. I shut down the window so I don’t get distracted. Back to my computer.
Elon posting again. “Before the BIG launch I have BIG news to share with all of you.”
I’m thinking this is good. More news is bullish. BIG news is megabullish. I wonder what it is. Wait a sec. No way. NOOO WAAAY! This is absolutely sick.
“Me and AOC are expecting a baby and we will name it X, just X”
Wow. I did not expect that. But after all, this is the world of Elon’s razor. Let me look at X.COM price prediction on Thales. Perfect, green candle. We’re up 5%.
This is the greenest 1-minute candle I’ve seen since they announced X.COM coin token design and the fact that you would have to stake the token to participate and get verified while earning fees generated on the platform.
Staking and slashing turned out to be the best bot protection mechanism. That is why X.COMCHAIN is hailed as the “truth chain”. The foundation behind it is called AIDA - the AI Defense Alliance. Elon claims it is the last bastion of resistance against AI taking over the world.
Every image or headline posted on X has to enter the “truth chain” where validators verify if it’s true or false. It usually takes up to 3 hours to reach truth finality. Anyone who has interacted with it in a positive way, e.g. re-shared, and it turns out to be a misinformation or AI-altered, will be slashed in favor of users curating/interacting in a truthful manner with the piece of media or information.
The validators are run by the biggest media companies that had to buy in for 100M DOGE. Even Saudis and All-In podcasters are running a validator.
To agree on the truth it requires 51% of the network to validate. The validators who take the opposite side are slashed. None of the validators can see the other’s validation before everyone casts a vote. The slashed stake goes to the validators who voted for the truth.
It is a crazy design. It’s the pinnacle of crypto achievement. Let me look at my portfolio. Sweet. I'm well into 10 digits these past couple of days. Multigenerational wealth. I feel like a conqueror here in this dark 40sqm shitty apartment, behind my screen, looking at these green candle warriors of mine. Soon, I will sell some. Just after this glorious launch pump. Then I will buy a castle somewhere.
It’s funny. Just a year ago I was one of the victims of this recession and look at me today. Crypto was my only option. Nothing was growing, everything was down. The economic downturn, the war, the unrest, and the general feeling of gloom turned into a supercycle. The world felt stagnant and suddenly we WERE ON. Things started to happen. Good things.
Tradfi all jumped into crypto after the ETFs. Out of nowhere, crypto was hailed as the “new emerging market. “Whereas in the past the emerging markets were geographical…” - massive headlines.
All of the sovereign funds are now advised by Balaji after he published his book “Network Wealth: New Emerging Market”. Suddenly the $1M bitcoin price was not seen as outlandish but a question of when - we’re nearly there. No central bank or sovereign wealth fund wanted to be the last to the party, so the secret buying started.
But I never bought bitcoin. I got into this by buying $HAIR tokens. Because hair is money. I run my hand through my full hairline. This is the best year of my life…
“10 mins to take off. Buckle up.”
OMG. I can’t wait. Hm. There’s not much to do in the meantime. Let me look at NPC2PC on X. What’s going on? It’s not as great as it used to be the first month. I was lucky to bid on a soldier fighting somewhere in Ukraine who was streaming as a playable character. They banned it pretty fast.
It just occurred to me, what if…what if this is going to be the “sell the news” type of event? I already forgot the feeling of a big red candle. The last one I saw was when they announced Elon would get 19% of the token supply. But then he said he needs it only to add more collateral for the DOGE. So we were green again after a couple of days. Maybe I should derisk?
3% up again. Fuck it. I’m all in! Will post this on X. Shit, the “all in” phrase is kinda expensive to post today. Nevermind. I can afford it. Post. Nice. Good engagement. Mmmmm. Let me have a look at what people post.
“Signs of froth are indistinguishable from the mainstream adoption”
True. What a smart guy. I wonder who this…Su Zhu guy is. Let me follow him. Pretty cheap to follow him. Good man. I click to buy $SUZHU shares - it looks like up only. Damn. I’m out of coffee. Need to make some more. I walk into the kitchen humming “I only care about your crypto boy, not gonna get me if you hold less than 1 bitcoin…”
I look at the clock. 3:25. Okay. I have 5 minutes. I wonder how much we pump. 20% is the consensus expectation. Cramer says he is not expecting anything less than 20% and even that he’d consider underwhelming. I must agree. If you look at how things were going recently.
3:27
Damn. My hands are getting sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. I’m getting excited. Must be steady. I had a dream about X.COM hitting a 10 trillion market cap. After all, trading volumes of X users' shares are like 50 billion. Let me sit down behind the screen.
3:29
Okay. Here we go, boys. My heart is beating so fast. Elon is posting on X.
“🚀”
3:30
WE’RE FUCKING LIVE!!! Let’s go. Let me check my wallet. Oh yes - there it is! X.COM coins landed in my wallet. It’s pumping! We’re 10% up! WOW. In just under a minute. Another 3%. Let me look at what people say on my timeline…
“The greatest financial conversion of stock to digitally native tokens. History books will write about this.”
Sweet but…WTF??!! Down 30%? Must be a glitch. Let me refresh…no way. I glance over X and see a post by @ivangbi: “WHAT DA ACTUAL FUCK? I’M POOR AGAIN!!! HOW DO I TURN OFF THE LEVERAGE??!!”
I’m clicking refresh. 50% down? This can’t be happening. What is going on…OMG, DOGE is decoupling. I have to sell something. I have to sell something quickly. My hands are trembling. I am perspiring like I was running a marathon.
Quickly. Let me sell. How much? Just sell everything! It does not go through. What now? Trying again.
IT DOES NOT FUCKING GO THROUGH. What? Pausing trading? How can you pause it when it’s going down? Let me transfer it to a wallet. Quick. I knew I should have not held it on a CEX. I notice Elon’s post:
“ON IT! Deploying more collateral. Should stabilize.”
Oh my god. I need to sell. ASAP. Goddamn it. Withdrawals disabled. Fuck me. What to do? I am pulling my hair out screaming in agony. What just happened? I sit quietly for minutes. Could be an hour glancing at the screen. I’m down 99%. This can’t be real.
Elon posting:
“ 1) What ”
